I Can't Be Wrong Again

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Everyone Might Be A Senator

1. Dismal Bleak Hopeless Radio Theatre Theme Song

SAMUEL DES PAIR: Welcome to yet another episode of Dismal Bleak Hopeless Radio Theatre. I'm your host; Samuel Des Pair. On tonight's program we will feature a brand new musical by the vastly under-appreciated playwright; Shelter Belt. This dark and thought-provoking musical is entitled, "Everyone Might Be A Senator." It provokes the thought that "Everyone Might Be A Senator." Many of the other popular radio theatres will waste your time with garbage like comedy, but this production, just like every production on Dismal Bleak Hopeless Radio Theatre is guaranteed to be completely void of comedy. Prepare yourself for another fine and forlorn episode of Dismal Bleak Hopeless Radio Theatre.

DISMAL BLEAK HOPELESS RADIO THEATRE SINGERS:There's a lot of sadness and emotion in our radio dramas, our radio dramas

A lot of people feeling bad and hopeless in our radio dramas, our radio dramas

If you like to hear people feeling bad, this is the place for you

If you like to hear people feeling sad, sad, sad it's the place for you

There's a lot of sadness for your enjoyment in our radio dramas, our radio dramas

A lot of people feeling bad for your enjoyment, so enjoy it, yes enjoy it

Dismal Bleak Hopeless Radio Theatre is hopeless for your enjoyment

Dismal Bleak Hopeless Radio Theatre is hopeless for your enjoyment, so let's enjoy it

SAMUEL DES PAIR: And now onto our production of "Everyone Might Be A Senator" by Shelter Belt. This dark musical begins when Johnny and Danny sit down to have a conversation and Johnny asks Danny:

2. Are You A Senator?

Are you a senator?

I'm not.

Have you ever thought that everyone might be a senator?

Pretty crazy, huh?

It's true though.

Sometimes I get drunk and dress in a suit and pretend that I'm a senator.

I walk around the house rehearsing my speeches, planning my grant proposals, and worrying that behind every closet door waits a real senator who wants to hurt me.

When I wake the next day, I feel shame, but I know with absolute certainty that I am not a senator.

But I only know this of myself.

How can I feel safe around others?

How can I know?

Everyone MIGHT be a senator!

At night I worry that maybe a senator is hiding under my bed.

Everyone might be a senator

Everyone might have your best interests at heart

Everyone might be a senator

(It's entirely possible)

Everyone might have your best interests at heart

(Yes, that could happen too)

Everyone might be a senator

(And they might be hiding under my bed)

Everyone might have your best interests at heart

(Or maybe they don't)

Everyone might be a senator

(It's entirely possible)

Everyone might have your best interests at heart

(It's entirely possible)

3. Johnny And Danny Continue Their Conversation

JOHNNY: Danny, I don't know who to trust anymore.

DANNY: Johnny, I'm your friend! Well, most of the time. You can trust me! Well, most of the time.

JOHNNY: How do I know you're not a senator?

DANNY: Very few people are actually senators, Johnny.

JOHNNY: Everyone might be a senator. HE was a senator and HE ruined me. I didn't know HE was a senator. HE was a senator.

DANNY: Johnny, you need to move on.

JOHNNY: Danny, how can I when I know that

4. A Senate Conspiracy

Everyone might be a senator

Everyone might be involved in a conspiracy to make you look bad

in front of all of your friends

5. My Baby Left Me For A Senator

JOHNNY: Oh no, Danny, here comes Sally now. I loved her, but she left me for a senator.

My baby left me for a senator

My baby told me that I should be happy for her
(but I'm not!)

I'm not happy for her and I don't know how to feel

She walked right out of my life and right into his life

And I hear she even plays nice with the senator's wife

My baby left me for a senator

Now it seems to me there are senators everywhere

Yeah, my baby left me for a senator

I can hear the senate under my bed and this is what they said

SENATE: She walked right out of your life and right into my life

And I love the way she plays nice with my wife

Yeah! I'm a senator!

6. Sally, How Could You Do This To Me?

JOHNNY: Sally, how could you do this to me? How could you leave me for a senator?

7. No One Can Love You Like A Senator Can Love You

SALLY: Johnny, you're a sweet guy, but you just can't understand what it's like to be loved by a senator. You see, Johnny

No one can love you like a senator can love you
And nothing can satisfy a girl like the power in the senate
And when I feel lonely, I want a senator to hold me
Because nothing can satisfy a girl like the power in the senate

SENATE: Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

JOHNNY: Sally, I could try to change Sally, I could try to be better than I am

SALLY: Johnny, I'm sorry but, now that I have been with a senator I know for certain what I have always suspected; that

No one can love you like a senator can love you
And nothing can satisfy a girl like the power in the senate

SENATE: Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

8. The Laughing Senate

SENATE: Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

JOHNNY: Sally, why is the senate laughing at me?

SALLY: They're not laughing at you, silly. They're just really happy to be in the senate.

JOHNNY: I wish I could be happy.

SALLY: Someday, you might be. Hmmm, MIGHT BE! Johnny, I just remembered something you once told me! You said everyone might be a senator!

JOHNNY: I'm not.

SALLY: But you might be and maybe we could find out together.

9. The Strangest Feeling

JOHNNY: I get the strangest feeling around you

It's like the world has given me up

I don't need all that power, I don't care if I'm wrong

I just want to get the chance to know you

SALLY: I get the strangest feeling around you

It's like you might be more than I know

SALLY & JOHNNY: I don't need all that power, I don't care if I'm wrong

I just want to get the chance to know you

10. The Election Results

JOHNNY: Sally, now that we sang that song together, I believe you could be right, I believe we could be happy, because I believe that

Everyone might be a senator

Everyone might be in love with a senator

But they just don't know the election results

11. Curtains

SAMUEL DES PAIR: If that wasn't dismal, bleak, and hopeless, I would be terrified to find out what is. This is your host Samuel Des Pair and before we close tonight's program, I'm going to bring you a few words from our sponsors. For those of you who believe that we've compromised our integrity by airing advertisements from our sponsors, I would like to remind you that our sponsors have more integrity than a fully-extended middle finger. And now for a few words from our sponsors.

12. Advertisement #1: "Compassionate Confrontationalists Incorporated"

SPOKESPERSON: Do you like to argue, but find that everyone you know is just too stupid to appreciate you? Here at Compassionate Confrontationalists Incorporated our argument experts will listen to your insightful points and come around to your way of thinking and be grateful for it.

ARGUMENT EXPERTS: THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU!

SPOKESPERSON: Just call 1-2-3-4-5-6-7! That's right! Just call 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 and we'll argue with you today!

ARGUMENT EXPERTS: Argue with us you'll always win it

And it only costs 10 bucks a minute

Argue with your friends and they'll say you're wrong

But if you argue with us, we'll sing along

Just show us how smart you are

We want to learn from you

We want to learn from you

Argue with us you'll always win it

And it only costs 10 bucks a minute

Argue with your friends and they'll say you're wrong

So you should argue with us

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And it only costs 10 bucks a minute

Argue with your friends and they'll say you're wrong

But if you argue with us, we'll sing along

SPOKESPERSON: That's right. Call us today. We can't wait to find out how smart you are.

ARGUMENT EXPERTS: YEAH!

13. Advertisement #2: "The Senate: We Have Your Best Interests At Heart"

SENATOR: The Senate. We have your best interests at heart.

THE SENATE: We are the senate, we care about you

We're regular guys and regular girls, who just happened to get elected

And we love you, oh yes we do

Your vote's the finest thing that ever happened to us

SENATOR: The Senate. We love you. No one can love you like a senator can love you.

SENATE!

Yeah.

14. Curtains Reprise

SAMUEL DES PAIR: My, my, my, weren't those advertisements delightful. Now as a final treat this evening, we will leave you with a dark piece of music composed by the under-appreciated playwright Shelter Belt, sponsored by Compassionate Confrontationalists Incorporated, and performed by the Dismal Bleak Hopeless Symphony Orchestra. Please tune in for our program next week when we feature another dark musical by another vastly under-appreciated playwright. This has been Samuel Des Pair. Enjoy the Dismal Bleak Hopeless Symphony Orchestra.

15. End Theme